Burned

"Yeah, we're friends for the most part, but if I had my choice between hanging out with you guys and my college friends, I'd choose my college friends every time. And you have to admit, you'd probably do the same."

A guy I went to high school with said this to me about a month ago, while sitting in my house, drinking my husband's homebrewed beer. Wow. I was too taken aback to inform him that, actually, usually I enjoy his company and if I had to choose between our Baker friends and my college friends, I'd do my best to see if both could happen. But whatever. If we're just your stand-in friends, the ones you spend time with when you don't have anyone else better to hang out with, who needs you?

I'm tired of bull shit friends. People that only call when it's convenient for them. Who get annoyed if you are being inconvenient. Who you know you could never call when you're in a tight spot because they'd completely blow you off unless they had nothing better to do. And I don't want to be that kind of friend. Which means that true friends in Baker are in short supply.

I admit it, I'm more than jaded now. It's going to take a long time to develop a friendship beyond the surface because I've put so much trust and effort into people who just give me crap in return. I can count on one hand the number of people I trust completely with my heart and friendship. And unfortunately it's going to take a lot to add to that number.

What makes people so careless with other peoples' feelings? What prompted my high school friend to say that to me? Did he feel like it would make him feel better about himself to make me feel like shit? Yeah, he has a reputation of being a jerk, which he almost seems proud of. So does he feel like he has to uphold that reputation? Cause he's doing a fine job of it. And I call bull on it. There's no need to treat the people around you like crap.

I hate feeling like this. I hate knowing that it's going to take a lot to find a friendship that rivals what I have with Dani, who is clear across the state. A friendship where I can be 100% myself. Doen't people understand that I want you to be yourself, there's next to nothing about you that will shock me or that I can't forgive? I want to be able to meet someone who wants to hang out and get to know me better, without wondering how they're going to screw me over.

I also want to be accepted, dang it! I've worked in my job for over a year now. It seems like everyone else that I work with gets invited to bbq's, parties, get togethers, what have you. But does anyone think to invite me? Evidently this weekend, there's a team party...and the last to find out about it? My partner and I. Now my partner has a reason. The party is happening at her ex boyfriend's house. So we figure that either they didn't want to tell me because then I would tell Stephanie (or because I'm always with Stephanie when I see them...but then, there's always email), or it's because they plain forgot about me or don't want me there. And that's a great feeling. I'm tired of being the one that everyone overlooks or doesn't want around. Am I seriously that NOT fun to have around.

Whatever. I've decided that mean people just suck.