Just Take Me Home

More than I want to be off bedrest. More than I want to stop staring at the same four walls. More than I want to be able to have a glass of really good red wine. More than I want to go for a nice long run. More than anything, I just want to go home.

It's getting harder and harder to keep a positive outlook. I know, I know, what I'm doing is for the best. My sons' health is most important. I'm in the best possible place for me to be. I need to focus on the positive and remember the blessings. But let's face it, for those of you who have said these things to me, how many of you have been in my place?

Yes, I know that a couple of my friends have been on bedrest and one has even done it while also having to take care of her year and a half old son. I honestly can't imagine going through this if we already had a kid. But let's really think through this situation before you start leaving a bunch of comments about keeping my chin up. First there's the simple aspect of being on bedrest. I'm a type-A personality here, people...enforced laziness does not come easily to me. There are only so many hours you can spend reading, watching movies, and knitting before you start to go a little batty.

Next is the fact that I was, on a moment's notice, told that I couldn't go home. I'm very much a home body. I love my home and I love being home. No other place in the world makes me feel as safe and relaxed as my own house, even when it's under construction! I really do fully appreciate Jan opening her home to me, I can't even imagine how hard it must be to all the sudden gain a roommate when you're use to having your house to yourself. But let's face it, I have a very hard time being completely relaxed and comfortable in someone else's house. There's always that aspect of being a guest and the more time that goes by, the bigger that feeling grows. Really, please, for my sake, try to imagine for a moment what it would be like to not be allowed to go to your home for possibly three months. To be a full state away from your home, your own bed, your territory.

And lastly, and probably the most difficult, is being cut off from my biggest support...my husband. Yes, he comes over every weekend. But during the week, I don't have my husband there to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. Talking over the phone just doesn't cut it. And I have two more months of this to get through. I'm reading a twins book right now that talks about how in one "extreme example", a husband had to get off work, go home to get the mail, and then drive across town to visit his wife in the hospital every evening. Right. Try having to drive across an entire state. At least one day out of every weekend, I completely break down because Nathan is the only person that I feel like I can 100% lean on...the only person I don't feel like I have to put on a good face for. I want to be held every day, to be able to not be so strong every day.

Plus I know how hard this is on Nathan. He only gets to be home for 4 days out of the week and at the end of his final work day (whether that comes at noon on Friday or at 5:30 pm) he jumps in the car to make the 6 hour drive over here. And then he only gets to stay here for a day and a half, maybe two days, before he gets back in the car to drive back. Lather, rinse, repeat each week. On top of that, he is missing out on every appointment that I have...today's appointment will be the first one he's gotten to go to since Aug 1st. I know he feels like he's not getting to be involved...not there to see his boys' ultrasounds, not getting to feel them kick on a regular basis, not getting to see my steadily grow. And there's always the stress of worrying about him driving over here and back every weekend with all those crazy drivers out there...they seem to be particularly stupid through the Gorge.

Every day it gets harder and I've come to realize that a big part of that is being so far from home...both my physical house and "home" in terms of being with my husband. I've told people that I don't think I'd go back to Baker even if my doctor gives me the ok to at 28 weeks...but now I'm re-thinking that. I would happily agree (for the most part...remember, type-A personality) to stay on bed rest if it meant being able to go home. And after all, we paid for life flight insurance specifically for the purpose of using it in case I went into preterm labor. Yes, it would disappoint those who live in Portland if we decided to have our children in Boise. But if the doctor says that going home is definitely an option, then increasing my happiness and decreasing my stress level (as it relates to keeping these babies inside of me) is more important than keeping everyone else happy.

Sorry if this is kind of a downer post, but a girl needs to vent once in a while! So please, for my sake, no comments about staying positive, keeping my chin up, etc. I fully understand how blessed we are in hundreds of different ways and I am trying my best to keep a smile on my face. But it's hard sometimes...very, very hard.